I’m having a hard time coming to terms with my sexuality. I grew up in the church and was taught that if you’re gay you’re going to hell. I don’t know what to do. So to my question, I’m wondering if it’s okay to really be gay and still go to Heaven.
—Living in Limbo
Dear Living In Limbo,
My gay relationship once infringed on my religious beliefs.
In these turbulent times, we seek refuge in our religion and relationships. But I didn’t want to lose my religion because I’m gay. Can’t I have both?
I pass like night until I pass out. I blame the wine turning each weeknight into a weekend like a mother fucking star boy.
So Saturday, I binge drank because my boyfriend wanted space. I lost my phone, designer shades, and dignity. Somewhere between getting put out the bar for popping my own bottle and stumbling in my boyfriend’s house, I lost those items. I’m so proud of my proclivities. That setback cost me 1,000 bucks.
I stripped down my clothes and tossed him the Chinese food. I climbed into bed talking shit. Of course, I remembered none of this.
He said, “You cursed me out saying if you don’t want to be with me — you could leave because I’m not pressed.”
“Oh, and what did you say?”
“I said you can go.”
“Oh wow, I was clearly drunk.”
For some reason, this sparked a discussion about him wanting to get back together with his wife like he was Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook. And he wasn’t going to Jennifer Lawerence me.
“Yeah, I told you from the beginning that I was married and that my wife allows me to have friends,” he said.
“Friends? No, you said that your wife left you because she didn’t want to take care of a grown ass man.”
“Whatever Walter. I want to get back together with my family and live God’s plan. So, I could go to Heaven.”
“God’s plan? So you don’t see a future with a man? You consider that a sin?”
“In the Bible, it’s a sin. And what we are doing is living in sin?”
I can’t. I got off the bed and walked towards the shower. He followed me, taking off his red Calvin Klein underwear.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“What does it look like? I’m getting in the shower.”
“No, I’m getting in the shower.”
I needed to cleanse myself of this conversation. We both climbed in. Shit. I’m not ready for this. I grabbed the soap and lathered it on his chest as the water poured down his pecan-colored face.
I reached over and kissed him. I hated fighting and this relationship was giving me anxiety. I needed to reduce my drinking. I’m not trying to disrespect the Bible but gay people have lives and deserve to be happy and enter the gates of Heaven. I could never see myself with a woman. In fact, I’ve never had sex with one. Nor had the desire to.
I don’t like being reduced to the person he has sex with. We’re more than that. We share our lives together and I don’t like competing with his soon to be ex-wife.
Part of me thinks that one day he’s going to wake up and want to live this straight lifestyle again.
Would it be ironic to pray on it?
But I say go for your passions regardless of the alleged consequences. You have only one life to live. And nothing else is guaranteed. So, live your life your like Rihanna.
Wouldn’t it be better to shine bright like a diamond, than thinking about spending eternity with a demon?