If I Was Your Girlfriend

Hi Walter,

I need your advice. There’s this guy living in my neighborhood who I’ve known for some time. Fast-forward to about a month ago, he added me on Facebook and chatted me up. Prior to that, we barely talked. During our chats, he was sweet. In fact, he almost admitted he had a crush on me. Some weeks ago, it was my birthday and he took me out. During the “date” he was so sweet, but on our way home I asked him if he has a girlfriend and he said yes. Afterwards, I tried to withdraw from him so I wouldn’t be attached, but he never went away.

Some days ago I came out to him, and he said he understood, and would remain my friend. He’s still as sweet as before. Yet he’s never asked me out or anything. I don’t want to get attached and catch feelings that he’s not reciprocating. Nor do I want to ruin his relationship. Help me before I fall in love with him.

PS : We are in Nigeria, a very homophobic country. Keep me anonymous. Thanks

-Anonymous in Nigeria

Dear Anonymous in Nigeria,

Anonymity is everything and not just on Craigslist. I’ve got you covered. There is nothing more convenient than a man in the neighborhood. I’ve had several and some just several blocks away. One in particular comes to mind. He lived in my apartment complex (too convenient), which ignited something fast and furious like the movie. And naturally after that tryst I tried to turn that into a relationship.

From fucking randomly to fucking regularly, that was the nature of our relationship. We segued from in the woods to in the boiler room. It seemed the more public the better. But getting fucked with my arms wrapped around a tree isn’t exactly the height of romance. And besides, he had a girlfriend that he lived with. I found that out much later. Charlotte from Sex and the City was right, “How well do we ever know the people we sleep with?” It was messy, chaotic and exhausting. The sex felt raw, primal, and relentless. I was addicted to the dick. Until he became emotional, cold and depressed. He was like Tyrese in mid breakdown. I left our sessions sore — mentally, physically, and emotionally. I guess his big dick and girlfriend couldn’t keep him warm at night.

There is a huge obstacle blocking your path too — his girlfriend.

I “dated” a number of DL men who had girlfriends, baby mommas, or wives. I found them all annoying. So many steps to discover if his pendulum swings your way. And many questions linger. Would you be enticing enough for him to choose you over her? What happens when you become a couple but he continues seeing his girlfriend as a cover? Would you be comfortable playing second fiddle to her?

There are more questions than answers. Your friend is definitely curious. It must be hard for gay men to be out and proud in an environment as homophobic as Nigeria. In comparison, I sit at a place of enormous privilege in the United States even though I gag daily at Trump’s tweets.

It has been nearly 50 years since the gay liberation movement. It took a Black sissy to shut down the NYPD when they showed up uninvited to the party in NYC. Those events culminated to legalizing same-sex marriage in 2015 in all 50 states. Yet still, it’s difficult to maintain a healthy gay relationship.

During those days when men met in clandestine locations like dive bars, dark parks, and bathroom stalls, discovering ways to connect with other gay men against the backdrop of AIDS was both illegal and dangerous. Many men have fallen, but our history remains. So, we owe it to our pioneers to live our lives loudly.

Once I pursued this life coach living a lie. I found out about Allen’s marriage after exchanging messages on Jack’d. My go-to app to text or for sex.

I struggled with dating a married man, especially one who had no plans to leave his wife. I told myself I wouldn’t judge. I’m not married but I needed to do some research.

One Friday night, I hung out with my friend Leroy. He housesat and hosted dates while his Grandma recovered from surgery in the hospital. But he had the place to himself. I invited Allen over for a meet and greet.

“We can play with him together,” said Leroy.

“I already have to share him with his wife. I’m not sharing him with you.”

He arrived at 3 a.m. in a white two-door Mercedes Benz. It was like cocaine on a silver spoon. Leroy retreated to the bedroom while I got more comfortable with Allen. Before starting an affair to remember, I needed more intel.

“I’m a life coach, I help my clients become the best version of themselves.”

“I could use me a life coach.”

“Baby, I’ll be your coach.”

Stolen moments on the couch felt like therapy. I sat there gazing into his eyes while he caressed my hand. I felt like I knew him.

Leroy emerged from the bedroom, draped in a towel showcasing his abs. He tempted me to peel it off. Instead he put on shorts and passed out on the couch next to us.

“I don’t normally do this,” he said while slipping off his shoes and rubbing my knees.

He wanted more than conversation. I’m not into threesomes. I get jealous and selfish. The prospect of threesomes starring a married man turned me off. Was I being old fashioned?

I walked him to the elevator.

“Damn, I want you bad,” he said before kissing me.

“Where does your wife think you are?”

“She thinks I’m at the gym.”

The next day he texted me asking for Leroy’s number.

“Send me your friend’s number. I want to have a conversation with him,” he texted.

“How dare you discard me?”

“Nah, it’s not like that.”

“Now I know how your wife feels.”

I never spoke to him again.

The thing with DL men, they are running scarred like a dumb White bitch in a horror movie. There is nothing more unsatisfying than a relationship shrouded in secrecy. Learn from my mistakes. A part of our journey is to forge our own path. But if you do choose that sweet, confident man with the girlfriend. Be prepared to take the good with the bad.

And if that doesn’t work out, you may have to move to another country where gay flags fly freely. Your real relationship awaits. If it were up to me, I’ll move to Paris and fall in love there.

As a hopeless romantic, I put it all on the line for a few good men. But like that married man, if he could betray his wife, then he could easily do that shit to me.

Unrequited love hurts like a hospital stay with no visitors. I wouldn’t give my heart to a man who doesn’t know where his is.

Love,

Walter

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Got a question? Email your letters at Walter.Reed@soule.lgbt His advice column will appear on weekly.

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