The Agony and Ecstasy of Gay Marriage

Dear Walter:

My husband and I just recently got married in July, after knowing each other long distance for over 17 years. We finally were able to meet in January. A month later, I moved from Philadelphia to California. We joked about marriage over the years and just knew if we ever met there would be fireworks….

Anyway, to our issue, my husband’s ex/friends with benefits would use his cell phone to take pictures and videos of him.… He was worried about pictures being taken and insisted his face wouldn’t be in them. They were friends for about 10 years, and I was looking online and guess what came up on Yahoo/Bing pictures. This younger guy has been posting them on Tumblr for a few years and posted videos on Xtube. There is no name or face associated with them, but the nickname he gave to my husband.

It does not bother me that they were together, that was before I even was in the picture. But it does bother me that pictures and videos are out there of my husband when he specifically asked him to keep the pictures between them both. Now, this kid does not understand why my husband does not want to talk to him or be friends anymore.… I never met him, except on Facebook…. I would have been ok with them remaining friends….

I can tell it bothered my husband. Once these pictures showed up, my husband became hesitant to have pictures of us….  We asked this kid to take them down and he said he would but he has not. I confronted him on Facebook and asked him to delete them. Since then, he has blocked and unfriended my husband. I believe he has kept me as a friend so he can still see what my husband is up to.

How can I get my husband to let it go, as we both know there is nothing we can do and it is out of our hands? The trust that was betrayed by my husband and his ex/friend devastated him. I love him with every part of my soul, and he loves me. I just do not want this to start causing issues between us….

Any advice you could give?

 

Much appreciated,

Newly Married in CA

 

Dear Newly Married in CA:

Congratulations on getting married. I love hearing stories of gay men getting married like the “breeders” have done for centuries. Although gay men were getting married too—just not to men. And after 17 years of knowing each other long distance, you finally took the plunge. Why did you wait so long to meet?

Oh the joys of the internet, connecting more people than Christianity. So, there are pictures and videos of your new husband circulating online? And not the nice ones on Facebook and Pinterest, but the naughty ones on Xtube and Tumblr. The internet is the gift that keeps on giving. It brought you two together, and yet it could tear you apart.

You must be devastated. He must be devastated. And I’m devastated for you both.

Welcome the internet age. A place where former lovers can capture our sexual history with the click of a cellphone camera. I’m surprised you considered being friends with this person. Honey, you’re a better man than me. I get drunk off jealousy like Taylor Swift.
But this mutant-strain of behavior from your husband’s ex-lover is particularly disturbing. Why is he posting salacious photos and videos of your brand new husband without his permission? And why won’t he take them down?

It is like the relics of his relationship’s past coming back to fuck you both—and not in a good way. Something is brewing. Ten years is a long time to be someone’s friend with benefits. There seems to be more to the relationship than a couple of romps on camera. Perhaps, he’s hurt that your husband moved on and without him. 

It would be arrogant of me to assume I know your experience. I can only judge mine. I spent a decade bar-hopping and bed-hopping to my happy ending.

I had a sexual experience that was consensual until that trust was violated. Once, a handsome stranger pinned me to the floor. I watched the beige carpet as he rammed his way in. l looked over a minute later and saw the condom he should have been wearing, tossed on the floor like spare change. My heart hammered out of my chest. I pushed him off of me with the strength of 10,000 bottoms.

They now have a term for that—they call it “stealthing.” I learned the term on Fox News like a Republican. The phenomenon penetrating college campuses all over the country has motherfuckers playing with your life like a Game of Thrones.

But this happened to me, and I wasn’t on a college campus. I was home where I was supposed to be safe. But a pair of cocktails, containing Paul Masson empowered him. I had to learn a lesson to lessen the pain.

I imagine that’s how I would feel if video footage of me straddling some stranger was released for the world to see. That’s likely why your husband is still upset about this. It hurts when someone screws you over in such a disgusting, vile way. That would make a nice day for a Red Wedding.

Revenge plots aside, you can ask the sites to take the photos and videos down. No guarantees. One silver lining is that the law is finally catching up to the times. I’m not a lawyer and thus can’t administer legal advice. But I can tell you what I Googled. According to Cyber Civil Rights Initiative, Senate Bill No. 1255 Chapter 863 should protect people from this sort of thing in California. They are calling this Disorderly conduct:  unlawful distribution of image. So there could be a legal way. But your husband’s ex-boy toy needs to be humble and sit down.

Yet, the truth remains, the photos and videos are out there. The damage is already done. You could surrender it all to the universe because you can’t change the past. You may find it quite freeing. Let it go, like that girl from Frozen.

You have a whole marriage ahead of you. And a whole new world to explore together. Don’t let your husband’s leftovers carryover into your marriage.

Love,

Walter

Got a question? Email your letters at Walter.Reed@soule.lgbt

Comments

  1. Newly Married in CA

    Hello Walter
    Just a update.
    We waited 17 years, but not by our choice. We tried to meet, looked online to get a plane ticket, and every time we came to buy them, something would happen. One of us would get laid off, car broken into, breaking down. He even had a lay over at an airport (business trip), he changed it so he would be there for 4hr’s, instead of the 1hr he originally had.. I drove 2hr’s to the airport, so we could atleast meet face to face and have lunch, just for TSA to say, sorry no plane ticket, we can not allow you to go through security anymore. This was not long after 9/11 and lots of security issues were changed.
    When we finally met Jan 2017, we already knew, and the meeting just confirmed it. The spark turned into flames igniting fireworks. Now to the issue of the online pictures of his ex/fwb posting. We both talked to his ex/fwb to take them down. He still has not, and my husband confronted him again. They went at it on messenger, and my husband told him, that betraying his trust and posting them, that he lost a friend. After 10 years of friendship, betrayal like that can not be forgiven. His Ex/fwb said, sorry will I be upset if i lose his friendship over this, yes, but I aint crying over spilled Milk. Well My husband let him have it, and deleted any contact information he had of him.
    This was a while back, we do not let it bother us and have forgotten about it. The other night while out in the city, we bumped into his ex/fwb and he tried to come up and say hello. My husband stopped him right there, and told him , we want nothing to do with you, your lies, and your backstabbing childish games. We turned, walked away, and talked to some other friends and ignored him, and did not see him for the rest of the night.. We found out, we are not the only one’s he has done this to. We have turned a negative into a positive between us. It has only strengthened our relationship and love for each other.
    Thank you
    Newly Married in CA

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